Its been a very rough weeks for me lately. Why? Well i guess its everyones (mom) problem. My menses came late and took too long gap in between as i thought i might pregnant.
Pregnancy is good thing but you have to deal emotionally if you are at a "not -yet-ready" stage. Yes I am not ready to have another baby. I am not ready to divide my 100% attention to Leona. It is not that i am 'just' not ready but I too don't want yet.
So here was the story. Menses should come at 18th of May as i jave a regular period. But it doesn't.. no sign kick in like cramp. But I noticed my face have unusual pimples and a bad temper. So i guessed it will come bit late may be 2 days late. I did UPT and it was all shown negative. I took 4 test to be exact.
20th of May, nausea and headache came in. Thats was a sign of pregnancy! So i got into this very miserable days. I thought i am real pregnant. I read somewhere that a breastfeeding mom still got pregnant eventhough the tested negative and as long as their menses still not come in. I pray to God asking otherwise as i am not ready bla bla bla... everyday or exactly almost everyhour.
I can't imagine having a little one baby while Leona crying her lungs out to get my attention. The thought of it breaks my heart and i intentionally will hugged Leona and said I am sorry if she really got a sister anytime soon.
But at one point... suddenly I have succeed to feel ease. If I am pregnant... let it be. Let God will be done and not mine. Because me and husband have really been careful and if there is a second Love in my womb... let it be. Because it was definitely beyond our controll. It was God will and let it be. I started to love everything and my heart are at ease.
Even started to sort someplace to buy new clothes (HAHAHAHAHAHA) for the baby and feeling like it will be a boy. Why? Because lately i dreamt of i have another boyfriend other than my husband. While i am concieving Leona... i dreamt otherwise; husband got another girlfriend.
TOO BAD.. after a miserable days... i notice a blood spot on 29th May. Huff... eyes widely opened. Feeling tiny tingling in my heart that i am frustrated but I am moreeeeeee GRATEFUL because I am not PREGNANT yet.
Perhaps, God was teaching me something and i will treasure it. THANKS FOR READING MY RANT FRIENDS. GOD BLESS YOU. Forgive my bad grammar or any typo. Its just too hard to write this Rant in Malay. Feel like i can't describe the feeling well. Haha.